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Valentine's Day: Why It Hurts When an Abuser Leaves

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  Published in House and Home on Saturday, February 14th 2026 at 0:44 GMT by Oregonian
      Locales: Oregon, UNITED STATES

By Anya Sharma | February 14, 2026

This Valentine's Day, while many celebrate romantic love, a recent letter to advice columnist Dear Abby highlights a far more complex emotional landscape. A woman, married for 20 years to a verbally abusive husband, writes of her confusion at feeling hurt by his secret plans to leave. The seemingly paradoxical response - pain at the departure of an abuser - deserves deeper exploration. It's a situation many survivors experience, and understanding the underlying psychology is crucial for healing and rebuilding a life free from harm.

For decades, societal narratives surrounding domestic abuse have rightly focused on the immediate dangers and the importance of escape. However, these narratives often neglect the messy, complicated aftermath. The letter from "Confused in Oregon" beautifully illustrates this. The expectation that a survivor should instantly feel relief upon the abuser's exit is not only unrealistic but potentially invalidating of the survivor's genuine emotional experience.

So, why does a person feel hurt when an abuser leaves? Several factors are at play. Firstly, grief isn't reserved for physical death; it applies to the loss of any significant relationship, even - or perhaps especially - one defined by trauma. Twenty years is a substantial portion of a life. Regardless of the negativity within that relationship, a deep connection, however unhealthy, existed. The end of any long-term bond triggers a grieving process, encompassing sadness, anger, and a sense of loss for the 'what could have been'--even if that 'what could have been' was a fantasy divorced from reality.

Secondly, and particularly relevant in abusive relationships, is the phenomenon of trauma bonding. This occurs when cycles of abuse are interspersed with periods of affection or remorse, creating a powerful emotional attachment that's difficult to break. The intermittent reinforcement - the unpredictable 'good' times - release dopamine, a neurotransmitter associated with pleasure and addiction. This creates a psychological dependency, making it challenging to disentangle love from fear, and genuine connection from manipulation. The brain becomes wired to seek the intermittent rewards, even at the cost of enduring abuse. When that cycle is disrupted, the withdrawal is real and painful.

Furthermore, the letter writer mentions a possible sense of guilt or shame. Abusers are often masterful at manipulation and gaslighting, subtly shifting blame onto the victim. Over time, this can erode self-esteem and lead the survivor to internalize the abuser's criticisms, believing they are somehow responsible for the mistreatment. This self-blame can persist even after recognizing the abuse, manifesting as guilt about the relationship's failure or a fear of being judged by others.

Finally, the loss of a long-term relationship, abusive or not, represents a loss of identity. We often define ourselves in relation to our partners, and disentangling that identity can be profoundly disorienting. The survivor is not just losing a husband; they are losing a future that was envisioned, a role they played, and a part of their self-perception. Reconstructing a new identity, free from the constraints of the abusive dynamic, requires considerable emotional work.

The advice offered by Dear Abby - to seek professional support - is spot-on. A therapist specializing in trauma and domestic abuse can provide a safe space to process these complex emotions, challenge negative self-beliefs, and develop healthy coping mechanisms. Organizations like the National Domestic Violence Hotline ([ https://www.thehotline.org/ ]) and RAINN (Rape, Abuse & Incest National Network) ([ https://www.rainn.org/ ]) offer crucial resources and support for survivors.

It's vital to remember that experiencing pain after an abuser leaves is not a sign of weakness or a betrayal of self-preservation. It's a testament to the depth of human connection, the complexity of trauma, and the challenging journey towards healing. Recognizing and validating these emotions is the first step towards reclaiming a life filled with safety, joy, and genuine love.